Excerpts from The Devil's Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce
(written from 1881 to 1906)
- Acquaintance, n.
- A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous.
- Adam's Apple, n.
- A protuberance in the throat of man, thoughtfully provided by Nature to keep the rope in place.
- Antagonist, n.
- The miserable scoundrel who won't let us.
- Comedy, n.
- A play in which none of our fellow-actors are visibly killed.
- Comet, n.
- An excuse for being out late at night and going home drunk in the morning.
- Corpse, n.
- A person who manifests the highest possible degree of indifference that is consistent with a civil regard for the solicitude of others.
- Culprit, n.
- The other fellow.
- Debauchee, n.
- One who has so earnestly pursued pleasure that he has had the misfortune to overtake it.
- Defame, v.t.
- To lie about another. To tell the truth about another.
- Dejeuner, n.
- The breakfast of an American who has been in Paris. Variously pronounced.
- Deluge, n.
- A notable first experiment in baptism which washed away the sins (and sinners) of the world.
- Egotist, n.
- A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.
- Friendless, adj.
- Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to the utterance of truth and common sense.
- Invasion, n.
- The patriot's most approved method of attesting his love of his country.
- Inventor, n.
- A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and springs, and believes it civilization.
- Kleptomaniac, n.
- A rich thief.
- Mine, adj.
- Belonging to me if I can hold or seize it.
- Once, adv.
- Enough.
- Opiate, n.
- An unlocked door in the prison of Identity. It leads into the jail yard.
- Pedestrian, n.
- The variable (and audible) part of the roadway for an automobile.
- Positive, adj.
- Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
- Postscript, n.
- The only portion of a lady's letter which you need read, if you are in a hurry.
- Quack, n.
- A murderer without a license.
- Really, adv.
- Apparently.
- Reconsider, v.
- To seek a justification for a decision already made.
- Self-Evident, adj.
- Evident to one's self and to nobody else.
- Truce, n.
- Friendship.
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